Nº71: Olivia Allen
The writer recs an underrated noughties TV show, suburban horror, and the sexiest clothes she’s ever seen.
We’re back with Olivia Allen. Read on to find out what she’s into, and if you’re new here, hit subscribe for secret recommendations every week.
Olivia Allen is a writer and full-time poster.
☞ IS THIS STILL AVAILABLE? The last free marketplace. Alongside the plethora of brain rotting apps I spend all day refreshing, this absolute treasure trove of oddities plays a vital part. I have a whole album of iconic Facebook marketplace finds. Forget Depop Drama - here lies the whole spectrum of humanity.
☞ I TRIED TO CHARTER A HELICOPTER TO VISIT MY FRIEND FROM CAMP: When people ask if I have TikTok I retort with “GOD no, ANOTHER social media, could NEVER be me” but the truth is the lady doth protest too much and I’m stuck in a bi-weekly cycle of deleting/redownloading whenever I need to numb my brain (often). Among the manifestation tutorials and tarot readers, Romy Mars of Vodka Pasta fame is my go-to girl. Sofia Coppola (her actual #mother) made a recent cameo. The internet is a wonderful place.
☞ LONDON CALLING: I can’t even describe the itch this absolute masterpiece scratches in my brain but I truly think it is one of the best examples of early 00s nostalgia available to us at present. The soundtrack slaps, the dialogue is so camp, it’s Fleabag without the actually depressing and existential stuff. The cameos are unrivaled and don’t get me started on the polyester suits.The bronzer is HEAVY, the highlights are HARSH, a masterclass in peplum silhouettes and statement belts. It’s West London before it became spooky and sockhousemeeting-ified. If Secret Diary of a Call Girl has no fans, I’m dead.
☞ HAPPILY NEVER AFTER: The Vogue Wedding to Divorce pipeline - this vid tells you all you need to know. RIP Ivy Getty and Tobias Engel, your love may have died but your opulent 20 page spread lives on.
☞ HOT STUFF: Aaron Esh makes the sexiest clothes I’ve ever seen. Indie Sleaze with a Gold Amex. This is who I want to be as I exit my frazzled English woman era and head towards Glam.
☞ KIM CATRALL SCATTING: Growing up is realising it’s so much chicer not to be a Carrie and to actually have your shit together, à la Samantha. I think about this video everyday.
☞ YUPPIE COSPLAY: I ride for Victoria Park Pavillion. I bring my tiny little rat dog and listen to graphic designer couples talk about whether moving to Walthamstow would be right for little Albie and Arlo while sipping from their keepcups. I’ve been known to shed a tear as the light shines down on East London while sending alarming voice notes saying things like LIFE IS ACTUALLY LIKE SO GOOD.
☞ DISTURBIA: I recently interviewed the wonderful Olivia Erlanger and went down a suburban horror wormhole. I’m reading The Suburban Gothic in American Popular Culture at the moment (alongside the entire Jilly Cooper anthology) and something about those empty streets and nosy neighbours really gets me going. Are the couple upstairs plotting to kill me? What dark secrets lurk behind the peeling paint of No.18? It’s very Desperate Housewives. I am not great at actually watching horror films, but I love the theory behind them and have adopted a new hobby of saving excessive numbers of stills to my painfully full camera roll, anything 70s or domestic and low-fi is going straight in the folder. I managed to write an entire dissertation on bodily horror by watching a lot of David Cronenberg with the sound turned off.
☞ ANDY SACHS FOUND DEAD IN A DITCH: I got a kindle to contend with the militant restrictions of RyanAir hand luggage but it’s positive impact cannot be overstated, it’s ideal for reading chick lit while telling people you’re finally cracking on with War and Peace. I’ve been working my way through Plum Sykes’ back catalogue (in homage to my four legged daughter, Plum) and Bergdorf Blondes, is a particular fave, it’s like Sex and the City on crack. Some standout quotes include:
“Excuse me. I have to go kill myself in the ladies’ room”
“He was totally giving Jude Law”
“He was freaking me out even more than Patrick Bateman in American Psycho”
“You think if I gave up Chloe jeans he’d sleep with me?”
“Truth is I am all for being a complete slut”
“If Nicole Kidman could look that glamorous while she was divorcing Tom Cruise, I could smile my way through a few unreturned phone calls”
“No straight man would ever watch Moulin Rouge.”
“Teacup puppies are very in (because you can take them as hand luggage on the plane to Paris)”
“Every time I looked at one of those beautiful robes embroidered with the words RITZ-PARIS, all I could think was how chic it would be to be found dead in one.”
☞ YAP ATTACK: Robert Roest’s demonic chihuahuas - j’obsessed.
♪ LISTENING TO: I have really horrible and tacky taste in music but I’ve come to terms with the fact I’d rather listen to All Out 80s than Yves Tumor. I got really into the Olympics closing ceremony and listened to the Drive soundtrack on repeat for a few weeks but when I feel like a break from cosplaying as a male manipulator, I’ve been listening to the Emily Sundberg of Feed Me fame’s recommended Eric Rohmer Summer playlist. It’s great for wafting around my flat in a silk dressing gown and acting like an extra in Valley of the Dolls. Aside from that, the cultural impact of Jilly Cooper’s Desert Island Discs cannot be downplayed. I want to know everything about the mind that concocted Rupert Campbell Black.
☠ HATES:
The Post Office
When people change their instagram DP - what happened to consistency? To personal brand building? When did we become so fickle…
Weston Super Mare
£28 vodka sodas at The Standard
Men who ask “so what’s the plan?” at 8pm
Twitter likes being hidden
Seeing people you know in Tesco (I don’t want people knowing I eat like a racoon)
Intellectual snobbery
My inability to recognise faces - I have legitimate face blindness
There not being 102948 episodes of Rivals
The pressure to order an oat flat white
Thanks Olivia! Follow Olivia here!
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